Being Enough

There is so much snow that it seems like it is clogging the town up. Like a big glob of cholesterol in our town's arteries. Today I managed to get a vehicle stuck in our driveway and then Brooke got the other vehicle stuck. No matter how much I revved the engine or angled the wheels or dug the ruts just got deeper and deeper. The snow is getting stained because it is hanging around so long. It's getting stained with red cinders on the main roads that make it look like a smoothie.

I don't know if the snow is causing us all to be a little bit depressed but I did read somewhere today that right about now is a very down time for most people due to the fact that it is smack dab in the middle of winter.

If I take enough Zoloft I actually get into a rhythm. I start to putter around. My mom putters around and I mean that in the nicest way possible. She gets a lot of things down. I puttered around a lot today. I made dinner. I did laundry. Last week I had a day where I didn't do a lot. I made it my goal to just make dinner. I arrived in town to visit my favorite convenience store. I had on clothes. I also had on a hat. I told my friend Wendy that I was setting the bar low and today was just a day for making dinner, not a fashion statement. She reached up and pulled a used tooth flosser out of my hat. I felt like a winner. But that day, was about dinner being enough.

Sunday I excitedly made it to Primary. I was happy to be there and see my kids. It had been a long time since I had been to Primary with all the storms. I got to the last song and started singing and then forgot all of the words. All of them. I stood there and smiled. While the piano played and there was silence. It was awkward.. but I guess it was enough. Just being there.

Yesterday I had choir. It was a practice with a lot of parts that a lot of people didn't know. I couldn't make them all come together. I just decided that it wasn't going to happen. I did the accompaniment and decided that it was enough. I just wasn't going to be able to play the Soprano, Alto Tenor and Bass at the same time considering that they all were doing vastly different things and different rhythms. I don't think it was actually physically possible. Some songs are like that. They are supposed to be learned separate and then sung together with nice underlying accompaniment. I stopped worrying about what all the choir members thought of me and how they were probably not understanding the situation and I just did what I could do. It was enough.

It's taken me a lot of years to come to grips with the fact that I can't always do as much as the next person or as much as I want. And even when I fill my day with productive things.. There is ALWAYS more to do. More that is expected. More than I can ever do or be.

Sometimes people understand and sometimes they don't.

It's hard not being able to be enough for everyone.

But I 'm also changing my definition of enough.