After returning to home from the first trip to and from Utah, I tried to sleep. I was only able to lay uncomfortably on my quilts for a moment when a large pounding noise bolted me upright. A strange man was at the door asking if I owned the property around my home. As we don't own all that he was referring to, I gestured vaguely down the road to the houses towards the pasture and closed the door tightly. Probably he was only a person anxious to hunt sage rats on the pivots of hay, but still. Everyone was gone but I couldn't sleep then. I had a bad feeling and so I laid there and stewed.
I was seriously sleep deprived and seriously unable to sleep and also seriously scheduled to work a night shift. As I have been in this yucky situation before, I just did what I usually do. Settle in for a dull headache and gut my way through the night. At that point in the week I felt like I was divided up into a thousand pieces. Probably because the kids were in so many different places. It's nice knowing that they are all in one place. I miss that so much. This week I knew Brooke was happy and engrossed in her youth conference experience, Shelby and Amanda were busy in Idaho together at basketball camp, Stef was being her adult self working in her college town and just Hailey was occasionally home in between her job haying. But they were all so scattered. I thought of them a lot while I worked that night shift.
That shift worked it's way into two more day shifts of surgery and chemotherapy and suddenly it was time to make my way back down to Utah.
Friday night I drove to Boise with Skye's kids. The three older ones did very well for most of the trip. I taught them to watch for the road markers and they enjoyed watching the numbers and asking me how many more until we made it to the next town. They played games on my phone for awhile. There were only a few tears before we stopped for the night in Boise. We had a prayer with their Grandma and I went to bed. I got up just a few hours later and left for more driving this time solo.
I drove non stop to Provo 4:30 am until noon. At noon I stopped and visited the Provo temple. It was kindof a crazy instinct to do that. I had been wanting to go to the temple on my part one of the trip but forgot that it is closed on Monday. I also really wanted to go to Provo.. Mostly because Kris and I used to go to that temple as students and I wanted to see how it had changed over the years. I hurriedly got ready and was amazed at the sheer volume of people in the chapel waiting to go through a session. They were whispering and loudly. I was morally offended. How could they be so nonchalant? Didn't they realize how special the experience was? Were they just so accustomed to going all the time that they forgot to be more reverent? I practiced my not getting irritated techniques and only glared at one or two people before we finally got to our session.
Later after a great time reflecting and a wee nap, I emerged from the temple and hit the ground running. I whisked Brooke up and then drove to Seven Peaks where we illegally parked and ran like crazy people up to the office to say good bye to Stef. We bought a sweatshirt for Brooke and a jamba juice and then began driving. It was around 3pm. Since I had basically been traveling all day, I was wearing thin on patience. We stopped in Layton area and tried to find a good restaurant for dinner. By then I was sorely tired and a bit psychotic. I did about 4 U-turns and then began sobbing uncontrollably. I just could not drive in the traffic. I'm sure that it was awesome being in the other lane of traffic watching me weeping and wailing next to them gesturing wildly with my hands. I was not escorted out of my car in a straight jacket, although I could have used a shot of Haldol in my rear. I did eventually calm down and stop at a Blimpie's to feed Brooke dinner. Then we got back on the highway and I drove until 11pm when we stopped at a very dear friends lovely new home in Emmett.
There we crashed and slept until noon. Our friends cooked us a breakfast and we watched the horses eat and then said goodbye and drove to Ontario to collect Amanda. We got her around 1pm and then made it home around 3. Part two had ended.
And now for my dissection of the experience and of my life at this point.
As usual, I feel like I have ADHD in all areas of my existence. I do SO MANY things and not many that well. I have all these kids I love. I give them plenty of opportunities and experiences but is it so many that they don't really count? I horribly planned out this summer. Interspersing too much work with not enough down time and I made my trips to Utah too quick and with no time to enjoy anything. I was blessed with safety and good luck and no costs of lodging. The gas was my only real expense so there is that. And I did get to see Stef quite abit.. for which I was grateful.
At the end of the day, I have to just tell myself to shut up and focus on the positive... which is....
We have enough financially and are able to help our kids do wonderful things and also pay for college without so far incurring debt.
We love each other. We aren't fighting or looking for other possibilities. We are committed to our family.
Our kids have learned to work this summer and have all experienced the joys and frustrations and lessons of jobs and money and what we want to do with money.
I really do feel most happy when my kids are happy. And at one time or another in the past month.. I have witnessed each of them find joy and/or happiness through an experience.
Stef--working/playing/being independent.
Shelby--coaching and sharing her love of basketball with Amanda
Hailey--cheerleading!
Brooke--experiencing EFY on her own and making tons of new friends
Amanda--going to her first away from home camp
So although EFY trip two down and back was frenetic and another crazy, misplanned adventure... it was worth it. And I am glad that I have the opportunity to help my kids experience joy. When they are happy I am happy.
You really are only as happy as your saddest child.
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