Missing You

Dear Hailey

I miss you. The house is really quiet. You are not around to make it loud and happening. I miss your laugh and your stories. I miss hearing about the 7th graders and who likes who. I miss doing homework with you and haranguing you to practice the piano. Have a good week.
Love mom

Dear Shelby,

I miss you. I miss your avocado hair rinse ingredients all over the place. I miss your ipod. I miss you asking me to drive. Have a good week. Love Mom

Dear Brookie,

I miss you. I miss you sleeping in the chair in my room with all of your stuffed animals. I miss your foot rub business. Have fun with Emily. Love mom

Dear Stef,

I miss you. I miss you not wanting me to pry in your life. I miss your piles of clothes and make-up. I miss you texting. I miss you exercising to the TV. Have a great time with your cousin. Love mom

As you can see.... this week has made me an almost childless mother. Amanda could never make any week dull. We are going to read read read, watch a million movies and learn to ride a bike.

Today was church. I wore my red shirt from my mother in law and flashed my bold pedicure in some strappy sandals. I was hoping it would give me courage. Sometimes I need courage at church. I'm not your typical LDS female. And as I'm not your typical LDS female coming down off of a week on Premarin I'm just a little bit grumpy. This makes me sensitive and snappy and a little bit annoyed with everyone in general.
I played the organ a touch too loud (but hey my hearing hasn't adjusted back yet from the eardrum rupture). Then I spent a soothing half hour in nursery. I know that those words aren't always used together in a sentence... but it's true. And Parker made a beeline for my lap. It was the best part of my day. We cuddled a baby and played with a few basketballs.. but having him sit with me was heaven sent. Not many adults were feeling the love for me today.. but Parker was my sunshine.
Then it was out to the jungle...er I mean Relief Society. Relief Society is hard for me. There I"ll admit it. I even teach Relief Society.. But never standing up. Always glued to my chair in the front. Today I just listened. I love the lessons.. but don't always love the comments. Sometimes people love to go on tangents which in my mind ruin the simplicity of the gospel message. Sometimes the comments annoy me. BAD. This is my own personal problem and one I need to overcome. I tend to over think things and think about them in depth. So it bothers me if someone says something that I don't agree with when we all have the same scriptures and the same doctrine. Again... something I'm working to overcome. It just makes me feel really different... and really alone.
We were talking about Adam and Eve. A really beautiful lesson. Some of the sisters were talking about them being innocent but not ignorant... and the more I think about it... before the fall they really were both. Because part of knowing is experiencing. We could learn and learn and learn all we could about earth life. But until we actually came... it was meaningless. So this week ... I'm going to try to remember that I really did want to come down here... I shouted for joy... I knew I could do it... I just don't always know that now.. and I wish I could remember.
Then..... after I frowned at a couple of people.. this wonderful angel woman with 4 kids under the age of 4 offered to bring me dinner this week. (I don't think I was really eminating that pitiful of an aura.. she was probably just thinking of my birthday)... I told her to wait a week... I mean I should go over this week and watch her kids so she can take a shower or something. Incidentally she was Parker's mother.. Is that a coincidence? Probably not. I'm missing my children... and I'm missing the non premarin happier me.
Here's looking forward to seeing both of them soon.