Restless

The last few weeks I have felt restless and unsettled...Disconnected. I am usually pretty in tune with my feelings and deciphering what they mean. But this time... I'm sort of at a loss.

I haven't wanted to blog much. Tried to upload pictures on Kris's mac and got stuck in computer crashland. Haven't been able to make it through a book (which usually calms me). Haven't done much of anything but work and clean and run errands.

I know that I am really upside down on my sleep schedule and this can make me feel weird. For instance, I am now up and it is 1am. I have been blessed with quite a few shifts the last few weeks and this helps us pay for things but also makes me sleep all day and be up all night. Which can contribute to feelings of restlessness... but I have been doing this for 20 years and it usually doesn't affect me this way.

I've probably been on the computer too much doing meaningless things. Checking my facebook and email too much. Reading blogs and other stuff. This could certainly make me feel restless.

Sometimes, I'll feel this way and it will be a premonition of something bad to happen. Seriously. I felt this way pre 9/11 and also before other trials I've experienced in my life. So I'm cautiously looking over my shoulder, waiting.

But.. In the final analysis.... I really think I'm just in uncharted territory with my children. I'm feeling unsettled over the fact that my oldest child will be leaving home in a few months for college. I now have two kids to drive around doing errands for me. I'm much closer to grandma land then young mother ville.. and it's a little scary.

Two nights ago, I woke Kris up at 1:30am. The nice thing about this is he's used to me waking him up for random questions or updates before we settle in for the night and he always acts like he was just waiting for me to say something. Like, "Is the stove off?" or " Did we pay the --- insert bill due ---?" So he actually sat up in bed with me when I said... " I just don't feel right." And we had the nicest conversation. One that I will remember for many years. We talked about our new life with older kids and kid number one getting ready to fly the coop and he admitted he felt a little unsettled about it too. We talked about growing old together.

I finally fell asleep.. and after that talk.. I'll admit.... I feel much better. Today on the way home from work I stopped in the cafeteria. The lady that made my sausage and eggs was smiling and laughing and talking on the phone. She hung up and said, "I love talking to my husband. After 21 years, we still really like eachother."

I know exactly what she means.