I see her everywhere

This is going to be a difficult post to write. I have avoided writing it for a few days now. But I think it wants to be written. Or it will stay deep inside me and fester.

For those that know me and love me in spite of it, I have been cursed with the first born syndrome of "knowing it all." This manifests itself in various ways. Some endearing and others annoying. I spent most of my 20's and 30's doling out advice to family members. My parents, my siblings, my children, my husband and of course various friends. My job was a good outlet for this habit of mine. Nurses are supposed to fix things and give words of comfort and advice. Most of those listed tolerated this with good humor. I appreciate their willingness to let me think I could solve their problems.

Recently I have not had as much to say. Especially this week. Even now it is really hard to form the words. To say the sentences required. To even spit out the facts. And certainly, there has been nothing to say to answer why. But more on that later.


Last week, a dear friend, mentor and coworker ended her life. She drove out to a deserted road and there alone she shot herself. Interesting fact #1---she was the 2nd nurse to commit suicide this month in our town. This friend was the exact opposite of me in a few ways. She had no children (didn't want them). She had no religion. I like to think that we were alike in some ways too. She was very, very funny. She had a strong, powerful personality that drew people to her. She adopted people and animals into her life and helped everyone she knew. I want to think that I am sort of that way.

I had known her for 10 plus years. We worked together in surgery and in chemotherapy/infusion. I was her relief for many years. That meant that she worked 4 days a week and I would work 1. We were kind of a package deal for some patients. They knew us both and associated us with their treatment plan. We communicated together about their issues. We would go to continuing education together every few years and always had a really fun time.


Last Monday she posted something on social media about selling her animals and a huge red flag went off for me. I immediately called another close friend of hers and everyone started searching. I texted and called her. But I think she had shut her phone off and had set her plan in motion. Wednesday night she was found. Someone came to work to let us know. I found that I could not put any coherent thoughts together. Someone drove me home.

Since then I have been processing the news. It has been heart wrenching. I feel almost guilty saying that, because I wasn't her best friend or even her family member. But I feel her loss so profoundly.

And since that day, I have run into people everywhere that she touched. Monday I saw the man who walks his dog around town. She dog sat for him last year for 2 months while he was convalescing. Then I saw the patient's wife who she tried to get water going for when she found out they didn't have running water. I was messaged by her best friend, and others almost every day who had been influenced by her. So many people that she had done things for.

And I decided 2 things.

1. I will never take for granted the huge impact a single life has.

2. There is nothing to say that makes this better.

About the only thing that I've been able to do is say I'm sorry to people and offer a hug.

I also tried this with a daughter the other day. I had a pretty heartbroken kid over something or other yesterday. Rather than doing my previous life coach, know it all, get it together speech... I grabbed her in my arms and held her tight. I told her I was sorry. I didn't promise her it would all get better or that I could solve it. I didn't try to minimize it or ignore it or distract her away from it. I let the disappointment and heartache wash over us together. And we experienced it.

And it was ok.

I also discovered that I had 238 deleted messages on my phone. So I went through and saved all the ones from this friend. So when I feel sad.. I'm going to play them. And listen to her extremely loud laugh. And remember. I'm sure I will always remember, because I see so many people that she touched every day. I see her everywhere.