Finding my Faith

This has been a hard year for me faith wise. I'm not sure why. I think that I am kind of at heart a pretty cynical, expect the worst person.. and this does not mix well with my depression. I tend to be always waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. This year was stressful, decision wise and it is hard not to look around and become disheartened with the way our world is heading. I also need a lot of time for reflection and renewal. My work schedule lately has been very full. I feel like I'm swimming against a current.. working hard to pay off debts and keep us afloat with all of the things we try to do. In reality, I'm not the one fully supporting us, but in my head I sometimes feel this way. I feel like I'm juggling many things and I feel weary more often than not.

The thing is, we have so much. We are both employed and we live in a comfortable home. We have plenty to eat. Our kids have many opportunities. We have traveled and the older kids are getting educations. Everyone seems for the most part, happy and healthy.

But, in my head I see the things that we don't have. I look at the dirt and the dust and the oldness of our stuff. The rotting wood on the front porch and the chipped siding and the things in our home that should be repaired. I see my lack of a garden, or landscaping. I lament the way my house isn't ever clean enough. I feel that we should have no debt and that the money in the savings accounts should be more. I see how we should be eating home-cooked meals how I should be clipping coupons and how my homemaking efforts aren't enough.

I also secretly am waiting to be diagnosed with some awful illness that will drain our resources. I am sure we will get the latest version of the flu, that one of the kids will die or be in an accident. I am just waiting for one of these things to occur.

It is kind of an exhausting way to live! Not being able to be truly happy in the moment.. because you are sure that the moment is almost surreal.

And looking around.. many of my friends have things like this in their lives. Many of them are just surviving and have experienced real loss. They are also really struggling financially.

I have been just sort of going through the motions lately.

In the middle of my worries this week, several things happened that really spoke to me of my Heavenly Father's love. First of all, we paid our tithing. I have always believed in tithing. Whenever I pay my tithing good things happen. Usually it's not really dramatic. But this week it was. I paid my tithing Sunday and all this week many good things happened financially that set my mind at ease. Shelby's scholarship money came through, allowing me to pay off her outstanding school charges. Our old insurance credited us the money they owed us. I was able to sign up for a flex spending account at work to pay for Brooke's braces. We had just enough in our HSA to pay for some other medical costs.

Then the only General Conference talk I tuned into today... of all the talks in the whole session was specifically something I really needed to hear. It was as if the General Authority was talking just to me. I don't know why, but these specific things make me feel as if I'm not alone. As if Heavenly Father is aware of me individually.

Maybe this is hard to apply to everyone. Why doesn't everyone have everything they need? Why don't we live in a utopian society where everyone has enough? Does Heavenly Father not love those that get illness or financial difficulty?

I am not sure of all the answers. I am ashamed that I have so little faith sometimes. But I am hopeful that my faith can be strong again. That I can weather times when I feel more worry than peace.

It helps that I gave birth to 5 people that are a lot more faithful than I am. And that I married someone that doesn't seem to worry much.