Reflective

I should have titled this post Mid life crisis.. or at least Mid life moment.

This last week I was profoundly depressed. I worked more than I should have, because we have a new computer system coming on board. I almost broke into tears twice in the Pharmacy and yelled at the pharmacist three times.

By the time Friday rolled around, I looked at our horrible yard (weeds, dandelions) and the ripped out front porch that will never be finished and gave up. Suddenly, I looked at my life and questioned everything.

I thought to myself, why do I get no joy from my life? Why do I work so much? Why did I choose this career? What was I thinking in college? Why do I have a yard that is so weed burdened? Why couldn't I have a yard that is beautiful and inviting, with a picnic table and gorgeous plants and time for picnics. If I would've been home all the time maybe there would have been picnics and dinners and time sipping lemonade. Most of the time I feel pretty good about how I raised my kids, but in times like these I regret that I didn't say no to working nights. I regret that I wasn't always awake and fully engaged. I resent that it was Kris who was there when the fun times were happening and I was trying to take a nap. I regret that I never said no to any thing and that I was trying so hard to pay for it all that I didn't enjoy it.

But it is almost useless to go along this line of thinking because it just goes so far back... I told Kris how I was feeling and he says, "well change it then". But I can't. It's like reversing 30 years of a habit. It's nearly impossible.

So I spent the weekend in more of a quiet reflection. I took a class in hanging baskets. I poured dirt in containers and added flowers and listened when they told us to water more. I looked at pictures in scrapbooks. I watched movies with the younger girls. I thought a lot about things.

Hailey mowed the lawn and her dad made her weed the flower beds. Kris worked on the porch. I wandered out into the sunshine and shot baskets in my night gown.

The thing is. I can't change the circumstances of my situation. I am who I am for a distinct purpose. I have to take the good with the bad.

I for the most part love my life, except when I get tired. I have tried to give my kids a good life.

I could work to enjoy it more and to take the moments that I have and cherish them more.

It will always be a struggle to be completely happy.

But reflecting on my memories helps. Pictures like this one take me back to a happy time and help me feel like there will be more...