I am at one with my reading chair. I am holed up in my chair with Kleenex, vicks vaporub, cough syrup, my inhaler and 6 books. I have banished my children and am really trying hard to contain my germs and concentrate on getting better. I've face booked and emailed my dear friends the latest...and my autocorrect actually substituted anaconda for Amanda. So I asked her friends mom if anaconda could stay and play. Is she a real life anaconda?
Yesterday I saw the PA who told me I had pneumonia. But even after taking the antibiotics and resting I was getting no better. Night was the worst. Laying down I would cough until my airways would spasm and shut and I was starting to feel anxious from all the air hunger. I wanted to die..which I felt like was a good sign because if you want to die then you really aren't dieing...right? In my anxiety I would breathe faster and then not be able to catch my breath.
In CPR they used to teach you that airway comes first...( now it's all about compressions). I'm here to tell you that airway comes first for a reason. When your airway is compromised, you start not caring about the laundry, about the housework or even what you are wearing. Drawing in air becomes all consuming. So today my number one goal was to breathe! Kris finally drug me into the doctor again in my jammies. I coughed my way through the exam and that sweet lady said, " honey you don't have pneumonia, you are having an asthma like attack and we need to get you on some treatments". Seriously, I know this stuff. I've given people breathing treatments...oodles of them.. And I've also put IV 's in and administered Solumedrol. But somehow, on the other side of the gurney, one loses laser like focus. I was just trying to keep my breathing going, in and out, in and cough, cough, cough, out. Plus I had used my inhaler 50 times and was a bit jittery.
Fast forward an hour and I was sitting in the ER sucking through the tube a wonderful lung cocktail of Albuterol and Atrovent. Hallelujah! I took my first deep breath in two days. I wanted to cry. It felt so good. Sam slipped in a butterfly needle and gave me some steroids and suddenly life was ok again. I had an airway. A non spasming airway. I also remembered too late that I had taken my bra off in xray for my chest film and wrapped it in my blanket. While I was walking through the clinic out to my car it dropped out of my blanket for all the world to see. I seriously did not care.
Now I am back at home, breathing. It's marvelous.
In college we studied Maslows hierarchy of needs... Which was basically saying if your basic needs like food, shelter, BREATHING aren't met you can't focus on your other, more highly evolved needs..like self actualization or philosophizing about the other crap in your life.
Now that I can breathe I have been thinking about self righteousness. People who think they are doing everything right, while not forgiving and loving others. This has been driving me crazy lately. Joseph smith said, "it is the doctrine of the devil To retard our progress by filling us with self righteousness. " There would be those that would accuse me of not being righteous or self righteous. That may in fact be true. However, the Savior himself said in both the parable of the prodigal son, and the lost coin that he rejoices in all that come to Him and repent. My words would be like those of the publican, "God, be merciful unto me, a sinner.". For I am very aware of my faults and shortcomings. Would that we would all be kind and uncondemning of others faults and shortcomings. The world would be a better place.
I promise when I feel better I will post more pictures of my bea u t i ful life.
And now to get back to breathing.
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